Life sucks

This is a super discouraging post, but it’s reality. We had such a wonderful thanksgiving and then went directly into another storm. Yesterday the wind was blowing so hard, it caved in Wesley’s side of the tent, and the dirt blew in and covered everything again like the first storm here. He woke up with a terrible headache, which is common with mold exposure, likely from being at Thanksgiving. Apparently he had a headache all afternoon, progressively getting worse, but said nothing until we left. If usual plays out, it should go away tomorrow or Monday. Thankfully ibuprofen helps Wesley’s headache. I think my mold hit was primarily emotional bc I’ve been a slight step from losing it completely and quitting. Actually if I didn’t have a $2400 setup to have a proper tent with heat to survive winter ordered, I’d 100% be out on camping.

We spent most of yesterday driving bc the wind was blowing clouds of dirt so I couldn’t do laundry a second day in a row. That’s a real issue bc we don’t have enough clothing to go into a third day. When we got back from Socorro, we stopped at the ranch and washed sheets and towels. Normally we start everyday by changing out of bed clothes and starting them and the sheets soaking. Yesterday we just left the beds made and bed clothes under the covers bc I assumed we wouldn’t get to bedding. The sheets and towels we got washed got put into a tote and we’ll use them tonight. We went back into town to take showers and get food bc you can’t cook with a gas grill in 20mph winds. We drove back home and I remembered we didn’t get something different to try to light the heater Jim lent us so we went back into town to get another lighter that doesn’t work. I think we may be officially giving up on this heater even though it would be nice with 20 something degree nights. We got back and the inside of the tent was covered in dust coupled with having to high step into the tent bc the wind caused another area of the door zipper to malfunction sent me into a sobbing disaster. I tried to clean a little bit of it up and settled for going to bed at 6. It’s not abnormal for us to go to bed early bc it’s the only warm spot, but usually we play on our phones a few hours before going to sleep. I was done with another horrible, awful, windy day.

I woke up in the exact same state of mind I went to sleep in. I’ve managed ugly snot crying, cleaning the inside of the tent, getting water (while soaking myself and everything around me bc for a change, there was massive water pressure), and cooking breakfast at noon. I’m sitting in the warm truck setting myself up for the next failure of freezing bc I don’t want to get out of the truck soaked and stand in the 45 degree wind wet. It took me a few hours to stop crying earlier today and my water getting experience just started another round of sobbing.

I told Wesley I don’t know if I was sick enough starting this (most people are bed bound and totally wrecked with POTS, MCAS, and/or CCI before trying this) to stick out the winter. POTS you get light headed, high heart rate, or fainting if you stand up, MCAS is where you start reacting with mast cell degranulation and have severe allergies to all kinds of non-lethal chemicals like perfumes or foods and anaphylaxis becomes you’re normal, and CCI is cervicocranial instability, which causes massive upper neck issues that can end up putting pressure on the brain stem (the part of your brain that controls automatic functions like breathing and heart function). We both really want to quit, but something keeps us holding on.

We are a mess. Thankfully as one person self-combusts, the other steps up so while Wesley has been struggling more than me the past week, he’s stepping up and letting me be an emotional wreck today. I don’t know why I want to go back to a house so bad, I’m sure I’d just end up a wreck more than I already am as evidenced by our current status, but this wind is evil. The goal is to get outside and move, but the reality is I stay in the tent as long as possible and then sit in the truck to escape the weather. I loved winter before, and that’s a real loss to me. We seem to contaminate everything and buying proper clothing seems like total waste of money and hope that you could avoid frost bite, especially on your fingers. So sometimes being unprepared is easier than getting what you need to just lose it. In the past week alone we’ve contaminated 2 hoodies, a towel, 4 shirts, 4 washcloths, pj pants, and multiple socks. We’ll make it somehow, but we’d sure love prayer.

I went to get my keys to head into town for showers tonight to find the whole tent feels bad. We checked everything and came up with 4 bad sleeping bags and my sleep shirt was bad. We removed all of those things and chose to go to Albuquerque to get more sleeping bags and sleep in a hotel bc one can’t survive 20’s without sleeping bags. The Walmart we usually go to just opened back up today after 2 weeks of being closed. The good news is we went tonight and got everything we need for the week and we didn’t have to wait in line. The bad news is our hotel was booked so we’re at an older hotel in an ok, but not good room. The front desk guy was really helpful. As long as our truck doesn’t get broken into, we’ll end this day on a good note!