In the last week, I have had a little over one good day. That was Christmas evening and the day after. Christmas was a tough day, but I was encouraged with the fellowship over supper at the rancher’s house. We got lost in conversation, and before we knew it, it was 10:30. That was fun, I enjoyed the food and company. The day after Christmas I finished my project of attaching a second jerry can to our furnace so I don’t have to change the cans in the middle of the night. I replaced some stakes on the tent that had gotten loose after the wind storm, and finished unloading boxes from Christmas gifts. I assembled our new propane stove and it’s airing out bc it’s bothering Laura. The rest of the week was not so fun.
On the other days, I found myself bemoaning being stuck living in a tent, not being able to work, and having everything I set my hand to fail. Not that all of that is completely true, but I would get stuck thinking about it and wallowing in self pity.
Negative, depressed thoughts can be triggered/worsened by toxins, and storms do tend to stir up toxins. However, in my frustrated state I also knew there were some expectations that needed to change to remove some of the fuel for my thought patterns.
On Sunday, I was extremely out of sorts. Our mentor and I discussed the possibility of my working. Every time I have taken steps towards getting started, there have been road blocks. His comments were something along the lines of not being able to imagine working in the first six months to a year of mold avoidance. While that wasn’t what I wanted to hear, it at least helped to me adjust my expectations.
Today was better for part of the day until we started discussing using hotels for avoidance instead of camping. The thought was that the added flexibility would let us move to clearer air if needed during storms. The thought of all of our efforts to get our camp to where it is sent me back into a tail spin of thinking about how everything I try fails.
We spent most of our day today walking around the ranch discussing my struggles and if we should try going to hotels for the rest of the winter. When we got back, Laura worked on laundry. I spent some time reading my Bible. I was reading out of Numbers where the Israelites were complaining about being in the wilderness, and kept getting in bigger trouble with God for their disbelief manifesting as a bad attitude. At one point they fuss about not having meat, and God says that He will give them so much meat they would get sick of it.
In reading that, I was convicted that I was failing to trust God and whining just like the Israelites. Having the advantage of knowing that their journey ended in reaching the promised land, it is easy to see the Isrealites foolishness. The Bible is full of stories of God’s provision during and after hard times.
As my mind became more rested in trusting God to provide, my worries died down. I don’t know what the future holds, but God does. I know that He provides good gifts and that I don’t need to worry about tomorrow. Centering my thoughts on these truths helped balance me. After showering tonight, I felt better then I have in 2 weeks.